Jokes

This is a remake of the original jokes page and so I'll be adding jokes as I recieve them.

NOTE : As before, these are jokes and are not suppose to be directly offensive to anyone in particular and will contain swearing (harsh words blanked).
Mobile Jokes
Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house,
everybody felt shitty,
even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse,
and dad smoking grass,
I'd just settled down,
for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece,
to see what was the matter.

Then out on the the lawn,
I saw a big dick,
I knew in a moment,
it must be St. Nick.

He came down the chimney,
like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment,
the f*cker had fell.

He filled all our stockings,
with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick,
for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney,
with a thunderous fart,
the son of a bitch,
blew the chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed,
as he rode out of sight,
piss on you all,
and have a hell of a night.

Ann and Joe were out for a walk.
Ann says, "I need a piss" and goes behind a bush.
Joe hears her knickers come down and feeling a bit kinky puts his hand thru between her legs and feelssomething hanging.
"Ann have you changed your sex?"
"No", she replies, "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit!"

Plane loosing height, pilot said throw out passengers alphabetically, africans, blacks and coons...
Black boys says, "That's us dad"
Dad says, "No son, today we are wogs!"

A muslim woman knocked on my door last night, I never opened the door, I just talked through the letterbox to see how she f*cking likes it.

Why do women have spots on they're nipples?
It is braille for "Suck Here"

Bloke walks into a sex shop and asks about blow-up dolls.
Do you want a Christian or Muslim?
"Whats the difference", he asks
The Muslim blows itself up!

Man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
Wife says, "Your cock is bigger than your brothers"

BBC Statement: In response to complaints that there are not enough blacks or asians on televisionm the BBC will now be showing crimewatch twice a week!

A man kills a deer and makes it home to cook for dinner but doesn't tell the kids what it is.
He says he'll give them a clue, "It's what mum calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams, "Don't eat it! It's a f*cking arsehole!"

Undertakers have announced that when Michael Jackson dies he will be melted down to make plastic toys.
So kids can play with him for a change.

I have won a competition for me and 30 pals to go to Fiji for 3 weeks and Ł500 each to spend.
As you and I go back a long way I was wondering, would you put my bin out on Mondays?

Best day of my life...
Walking down the aisle towards my wife, everyone smiling.
Vicar said a few words, I gave her a kiss...
And shut the coffin!

What's the difference between Yassar Arafat and Princess Diana?
Nothing, they were both f*cking arabs and died in Paris!

Woman in hospital after having fanny tuck gets 3 bouguets.
1 from her hubby, 1 from the surgeon and 1 from Eric in the burns unit to say thanks for his new ears!

Teacher to class, "What does your dad do at weekends?"
Little Johnny, "He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the moneys right he lets punters bang his arse and come in his mouth."
Teacher pulls Johnny to one side, "Is that the truth?!"
Johnny replies, "Truth is, ho goes to watch scouts but I am to embarrassed to own up to that."

Women eh? Boob jobs, botox, pierced ears, nipples, belly and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini lines and legs waxed and they won't take it up the arse 'cos it HURTS!

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head.
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew bt the taste he'd been f*cking her sheep.

Why is pork pie like a pensioners minge?
You have to bite off the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat.

Irishman went for IQ test, had to put the word CONTAGIOUS into a sentence.
"That's easy", says Paddy, "I asked my mate to dig a hole and it took the cuntageous.

Today is the International Day of SEXY & ATTRACTIVE people.
Send this to someone who fits the description but don't send it back to me becasue I've received f*cking hundreds!

Great Britain has won its first gold medal in white water rafting, it was won by two blokes from Cornwall in a ford transit van.

What do the donkeys at Yarmouth get for lunch?
½ hour

I got a job in TEsco working on wines and spirits, but I go the sack after my 1^st day...
a Paki came in and asked for a good Port.
I said, "Dover, now f*ck off!"

Women are just like orange juice cartons, its not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is, its getting those f*cking slaps to open!

Paddy buys a bath and takes it back next day complaining water keeps running out.
Manager says, "Did you buy a plug?"
Paddy says, "You cunt, you never said it was electric!"

What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?
Sistermatic

Paki dies and goes to heaven, he stood at the gates and St. Peter says, "What do you want?"
Paki replies, "I am looking for Jesus"
St. Peter shouts, "Jesus you're taxi's here!"

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her fanny, Doc says, "That looks nasty"
She says, "Nasty?, it's just the tip of the f*cking iceburg!"

A paki and nigger throw themselves off a tall building, which one will fall to the ground first?
The nigger because the paki is a shade lighter

A womans body has been found in a suitcase in the river Thames, who says men can't f*cking pack!

Man marries a deaf girl, he says, "We must work out a code. If I want sex I'll stroke your left breast, you reply by pulling my penis ONCE for YES or 50 times for NO."

Four things not to say in a gay bar:-
1) F*ck me, it's hot in here!
2) Can I push your stool in?
3) Toss you for the next round.
4) Can I bum a fag?

Just found out my wife has just developed old dysons disease, she makes a continuous whinning noise and doesn't suck anymore.

Definition of a thong:-
One time you had to pull down a woman's knickers to see her arse, now you have to open her arse to see her knickers!

Question: Woman walks across bedroom with spunk dripping from both sides of her mouth, what does that tell you?
Answer: The floors level!

What's Hitler and Paula Radcliffe got in common?
None of them can finish a race off!

I always hated weddings.
All the old dears would poke me and say, "You're next!"
They stopped that shit when I began doing the same to them at funerals!

What's the difference between Superman and Lassie?
One's cabbage and hte others a collie!

Latest report's from Iraq suggest Scouse hostage Ken Bigley is still alive after it was confirmed that his Giro had been cashed at a Bagdad post office.

Husband comes home with a duck under his arm and declares, "This is the pig I've been shagging."
Wife says, "That's a duck."
He says, "Whose f*cking talking to you!"

That's just f*cking typical of life isn't it...you find the only f*cking scouser who actually works and some cunt cuts his head off!

There is a new pub open in Bagdad, it's called, "The Ken's Head"

A man comes back from the Amazon with a cock sucking frog and shows it to his wife.
She asks, "Whats should I do with that?"
He says, "Teach it to cook then f*ck off!"

I just got barred from B&Q.
I went in and some bastard in an orange apron asked me if I wanted decking.
Luckily I got the first punch in...

A bear, a lion and a chicken sitting talking about who is the hardest.
The bear says, "When I roar the whole forest trembles..."
The lion says, "When I roar the whole jungle shakes with fear..."
The chicken says, "All I have to do is cough and the whole f*cking world shits itself!"

Baa baa big dick have u any sperm?
Yes mam, yes mam, 2 balls firm.
None 4 my girlfriend and none 4 my ex but all 4 the horny bitch reading this text.

Humpty dumpty sat on the bed,
little bo-peep giving him head.
Bo-peep stopped and began to weep,
she knew by the taste he'd been shagging her sheep!

Man comes home and says to his wife, "Look, olympic condoms and I'm going to wear a gold one tonight!"
Wife says, "Couldn't you wear the silver condom and cum second for a change?".

Why did the Lord give women thrush?
To teach them to live with an irritating cunt before they marry one!

A boy catches his mum riding his dad.
She says, "I was sitting on his tummy to flatten it."
Boy replies, "Don't bother, aunty always gets down and blows it back up!"

Little girl goes into a barbers and stands beside the chair eating a cake.
Barber says, "You are going to get a hair on your muffin."
"I know.", she says, "I'm goning to get tits too!"

Essex girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says, "Choose one from our range on the wall."
She says, "I'll take the red one"
He replies, "Thats a f*cking fire extinguisher!"

Little girl, "Mommy, I just found out the little boy next door has a dick like a peanut!"
Mommy asks, "You mean its small?"
Little girl replies, "No, its f*cking salty!"

"Give it here", "NO IT'S MINE!", "Let me have it", "IT'S MY TURN", "You had it last", "F*CK OFF", "Come on, give me it", "NO WAY"
Siamese twins having a wank.

Wife, "I have a headache."
Husband, "Perfect, I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with asprin, you can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you."

I tried to call you yesterday but I put my donor card in the payphone instead of the phonecard and it bloody cost me an arm and a leg!

I asked God for some wood, he gave me a forest.
I asked God for some water, he gave me a lake.
I asked God for a tight cunt, he gave me your number!

Two unemployed Irishmen in Dublin see a sign in the Police window saying, "Two blacks wanted for rape"
Paddy says to his mate, "F*ckin' niggers get all the best jobs!"

There once was a girl called Louise,
who's pubic hair hung to her knees.
The crabs worked together to Knit her a sweater,
so in the winter her cunt wouldn't freeze.

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?", the mirror laughed then made a grunt, "It sure ain't you, you ugly cunt!"

Fellow had a hen tattoo'd on his wotsit, went round asking all the girls if they wanted to see his cock.

Once a lady told her friend, "Did you know that I made my husband a millionaire?"
The friend asked, "Really, what was he before marriage?"
The lady said, "A Billionaire!"

Why do men have holes in their penis?
So they can get air to their brain!

Why is a mans penis like the Rubik's Cube?
Because the more you play with it, the harder it gets!

An old woman brings a tampon to the Antique's Roadshow. The guy looks at it and she says, "Go on then you clever f*cker, tell me what period this is from!".

Paki walks in to a pub, "excuse me landlord, can u tell me which is your best port?"
"Yes mate its Dover, now F*CK OFF!"

The fluffy clouds may kiss the sky,
The rose may kiss the butterfly,
The morning dew may kiss the grass,
But you, you cunt
Can kiss my ass.

Why do blokes hate wearing condoms?
It cuts off the circulation to their brain.

why do blokes have their best ideas during sex?
Because they're plugged into a genius.

Why is it that a single woman doesn't fart?
She doesn't get an arsehole until she gets married.

FACT : A woman can guide a 1.5" diameter penis into an inch diameter vagina in pitch dark without looking, but can't park a 6ft car in a 7ft space in daylight!

Why are females the stronger sex?
Because they can produce milk without grass, bleed for a week without dying and bury an 8 inch bone quicker than a dog.

Elephant says to the Camel, "Why are your boobs on your back?"
Camel says, "That's a f*cking good one coming from someone with their dick on their face!"

What does an Elephant use for a tampon?
A Sheep.

What does an Elephant use for a vibrator?
An epileptic.

I'm at the police station. I've been arrested for POSSESION OF GOOD LUCKS.
Police say I need an ugly cunt to bail me out...DON'T BE LONG!

Two men, one walking a tightrope, the other getting a blowjob from a 75 year old woman, what are they both thinking?
DON'T LOOK DOWN!

So there I was, Budweiser in one hand, trousers around my ankles, cock in her mouth, balls slapping her chin, and I thought to myself, "Man, what a great beer!"

Farmer buys a milking machine. Tries it on his penis & has a great orgasm but can't remove it. He reads the manual and faints.
It reads, "Auto release after 2 litres."

Man marries a deaf girl and says, "We must work out a code...If I want sex, I'll stroke your left breast, you reply by pulling my penis once for yes and 50 times for no."

How can you tell if a bloke is well hung?
You can't get your fingers between the rope and his neck.

Did you hear about the big accident...
...apparently 25 dead and 15 injured...
...a Paki's bed collapsed.

Women are just like orange juice cartons, it's not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is, it's getting those f*king flaps to open......

Why do blokes whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
So they can remember which end to wipe.

Why is Santa such a happy bloke?
Because he knows where all the bad girls live.

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask...you can see at once who the best man is!

Why did god put blokes sexual organs on the outside?
So they remember where they are.

What do you say to a bloke whose chat up line is, "Do you want to come home and sit on my face?"?
Reply with, "Why, is your nose bigger than your penis?".

All the woman in Iraq have shaved their pubic hair off and going on protest...
Their plackards say, "Read our lips, NO MORE BUSH!".

Two gay men stood at a urinal when one said to the other, "Ooh whats that on your dick?", he says, "Oh its a Nicorette patch."
So the guy says, "Oh really, is it working?", so he replies, "Yes, it is. I am down to two butts a day now."

There's a new vibrator just out for women, so realistic that just before she cums, it cums, coughs, farts, goes limp and then switches itself off.

Three sisters called Ann, Jan and Fanny which all have big feet.
Ann and Jan go on a date, one of the boys says, "Jesus you've got big feet!"
Ann replies, "You should see our Fanny's, they're huge!"

Doctor asks, "What would you rather have, Alzheimers or Parkinsons?"
Patient answers, "Parkinsons...I'd rather spill half my pint than forgetting where I put it!"

Wise old chinese man says "A man who walks through door sideways with an erection is always going to Bangkok!"

I suck the end really slow and watch the white begin to flow.
I can't resist licking the rim before I thrust my tongue right in!
Cadbury's Cream Egg - How do you eat yours?